I am sitting in a coffee shop. New to me, but no idea how long it has been here. The coffee is absolutely indelible. Through every temperature it has almost gotten better as it has cooled. Subtle but available if I pay attention I can feel the acidity, a perfect tingle on the left side of my tongue.

I am writing this not because I am looking to turn this into a coffee blog. While I do love coffee I am by no means an expert and feel there is no value in my opinion on coffee. No, I write this because as I sit here with one of the very few moments in my life where I am alone, no one needing my attention, no task pulling at the hem of my attention, I wonder if this coffee tastes better because I am unfettered?

Is joy driven more by the space we give to experience things than by the things themselves? Is it found more in the space and the silence than the doing? Truth be told I rarely actually feel joy, and for this I have felt so guilty. My life is good. My family is incredible and dynamic. Full disclosure I wonder if I truly feel my feelings or if I am just mimicking what I believe they should look like. Lately this thought has crept in and firmly taken hold in a dark space in a corner of my conscious, am I not feeling, am I struggling to truly feel joy because I am not provided (scratch that) I am not providing myself the space for joy? It is not that I do not do things that have brought me joy in the past, that I know should bring me joy in the now. It is that I am so tightly scheduled and always as soon as I am into one task, thinking about the next one. Perpetually in this partial state of attention that never actually lets me fully be where my feet are.

There is a monotony I have created without even realizing it that has turned much of the color in my world grey. I worry more about the completion of things, even those I am doing specifically for joy than I put emphasis on the presence of the moment I am seeking.

But then again maybe I am wrong, ironically I am out of time to contemplate this any longer as the small moment I have has passed and I must attend to my next task. All I can do is attempt to hold onto this little, personal moment like a lantern I have found in the dark forest I am working my way out of, the little light is only a flicker, daring to go out as I try to move to quickly because I am not willing to go slow for fear of being left behind. Even though I am completely alone in the forest with no one to keep up to.

What a silly thought.