Well I guess resetting yourself isn’t quite like resetting a Nintendo. It isn’t quite the push of a button, blow on the cartridge and turn it back on type of situation. Over the last couple of weeks since my last post I have really struggled with imposter syndrome. I have asked all of the existential questions I am sure any writer asks at some point. Inherently it all comes back to “what am I doing?” and “does any of this even matter?”. A lot of these questions I am asking myself have stemmed from the injury. I know I have talked about how injuries are almost punished in sports, like I did something wrong because my body broke. I should have looked after it better, trained different, seen the misstep coming somehow. None of this is fair pressure to put on myself or anyone else for that matter, yet it is there none the less. But a lot of the questions I am asking myself right now also stem from the dichotomy and nature of writing for development. The goal is to share my journey, stay away as best as possible from being preachy and hopefully make an impact for other people while processing the things I am going through myself. That is all great until people start telling you that you have made a difference. I didn’t realize this until it happened a few times for me over the last month or so. Nothing big and grandiose but a quick text from a friend or a comment on a post goes a long way when you are new to this. That is exactly what happened to me. Now all of a sudden these comments have pulled me out of documenting or sharing my journey and thrust me into feeling like I need to make an impact. There is a pressure on me to write a piece that helps someone out of the rut they are in, gives them the epiphany they need or spurns them on to take the steps they need to. Well that’s a lot of pressure for a guy who barely feels qualified at times to walk his dog, never mind make a difference in someone else’s life.
So here lies the problem. I’m great at making things bigger than they need to be, expectations become my enemy and I talk myself out of writing, posting or producing any content that revolves around helping others or improving myself because I am not perfect, not even close. How stupid, that is the whole reason anyone reads and I believe it is the only way anyone helps others, by being broken themselves and sharing the journey. None of what I am saying is new, just like anyone else trying to help others. It is just said, written or displayed in a new order. Aa new format or subtle adjustment that triggers something in someone to go make the changes they have felt they needed to make. Now I don’t actually believe I need to be perfect. In fact it is painfully obvious to me and most everyone else that I am not, that I never will be and I know that is what resonates with those that have reached out to me about my writing. Yet somehow my monkey brain convinces me in the darkness that I shouldn’t bother trying because I am not perfect, it beats in to me that I am no where near it and then me that smacks me with the knowledge that someone has already said what I am saying in a much more eloquent fashion. While that last part is probably true it doesn’t matter if we have no idea who that person is, if they don’t exist in our circles then them saying it doesn’t help any of us get better because we aren’t even aware of it. Which is the whole reason I started all of this in the first place, while there are people I follow that I love, that resonate deeply with me most of them are on the fiery and intense side and there are a lot of people that type of vitriol just doesn’t resonate with. Most of the people that inspire me are also so much farther down the path that when someone finds them they struggle to relate it to their life because the gap between them and who they are listening to is to big and they can’t imagine getting there. While it overwhelms and intimidates me too I think something I have been blessed with is the ability to extrapolate. I have gotten good at understanding just what taking the small steps means to the bigger picture and to getting where I want to go. I actually think I do a decent job of painting the picture for others too. Yet, at times this has crushed me, it has stopped me from starting multiple businesses and pushing for ideas that I now see others bringing to fruition with tons of success. It took me almost 18 months after paying for this domain name to make my first post. I think this is the way it is for most though, often our biggest assets are closest to our deepest flaws. They are two sides of a coin rather than opposite ends of a spectrum. Think of the problem I just displayed, the thing I think I am good at is also the thing that is holding me back. Talk about fucking frustration of the highest order.
Great. Really helpful Clint you are flawed just like us (you already knew that!) but what is the fucking take-away here? Well that is the question I am asking myself to be honest and while it is by no means smacking me in the face like some things have I get the feeling like the point is to display our journey. It is to put ourselves out there in a way we see fit for others to observe. So they can learn from our mistakes, find peace in the fact that they are not alone. Maybe we are a step or two farther down the path and this can help show them they too can move forward, even if it is almost imperceptible to start. You see there is no destination we are going to reach, that is a falsity we are sold. We are on a path, some more worn than others and we look ahead to those in front of us like they have made it but really they are just steps ahead on this path, packing it down, pointing out the potholes they have fallen in so we can hopefully avoid them and ultimately if we choose to pay enough attention making it a little simpler for us to navigate. While it isn’t always easy for me I will continue to display my journey of self-improvement and reclamation for hopes that it resonates with someone, anyone really because others have done this for me. The real point for me is not to be perfect but to always be striving for perfection in spite of the obvious fact that I will never get there. This journey is wrought with heartache, pain and failure. But it is also full of love, joy and fulfillment and like any journey worth taking or story we tell we need these things in equal parts for it to be whole and worth telling. So put yourself out there, it is worth it even if it sucks sometimes. Tell your fucking story.