I want to write. So why don’t I? Why isn’t it easier if it’s something I want so bad? Because of the fear of how I or others will judge it. I try all of the tactics, I have Wrong, Bad, Fast written in sharpie on this very keyboard, I work to schedule my time and then usually sit there finding anything else to do than write. I struggle to get past myself really as the assumption is always that I must be doing it wrong. There is doubt there that is deep seeded. Maybe I feel that I need another’s validation or grace to “let” me write, that I need my hand held to accomplish what I would like and that I am not enough. Yet in my finer moments I am absolutely enough. When I am in a state of “flow” it all comes easy because when you are rolling there isn’t room nor time for judgement. This is the place I can only assume we are striving for but struggling to get to. My theory around this is changing, I used to believe we had obstacles put in front of us from an external source and for sure there are times that we do but I think it is far less often than we would like to admit. When I analyse my own life with any semblance of subjectivity I can do nothing but admit that I am often my major (and sometimes only) problem. The obstacles truly are just excuses. I have put them there whether knowingly or unknowingly.
Here is your perfect example. Literally while I write this I put my own obstacle in front of myself. As I write I start to think “why am I even writing this? Someone else has already put something very similar to this out there in the world and likely with more polish than I ever could. The scariest part? This is true. Ryan Holiday has a book called The Obstacle is The Way where he discusses much of this topic. To critical acclaim none the less. I look up to him as a writer as he is prolific in his production yet provides no less quality because of his quantity. Now I could just point you in his direction and give up. Which if you want a great read absolutely go and pick up that book. But here I sit continuing to write realizing that the thought I had is from a place of lack. Is there not room for me to discuss this topic from a different angle? Maybe resonate with a different type of person all together? For sure. When you understand our brains main job is to keep us alive, conserve calories and entice us to reproduce you start to understand that uncontrolled it will stop you from taking almost any risk. And that is the key,
we cannot rely on our brains to get us through.
Our brains are amazing and beautiful but much like a 150 year old house that has been renovated in some way every 20 years they are not perfect and don’t operate as holistically as we would like. So you have to play some games with yourself. You have to remind yourself of your souls intent more often, put things visually in front of yourself that distract at times and narrow focus at others, all while giving yourself the grace to realize you are never going to be perfect, you will fail and sometimes the thing you want to do is actually going to create the most dread in you and you will want to avoid it at all cost.
A little like I have avoided writing. Fuck I developed an app and built a mobile coffee company to circumnavigate my desire to become a writer. Writing may actually be one of the hardest things for me to do, sometimes I would rather be anywhere but in front of this laptop trying to articulate my thoughts and being smacked with the reality that I am not nearly as good at this as I want to be.
This piece brings light to just that. It is rambly at best, mostly incoherent and really to this point I have used a lot of words to say very little. My prose is lacking, I am sure there is spelling and grammar errors and ultimately my paragraph structure probably wouldn’t hold up in a high school english class. But Here I sit proud that I got here and that I have done this. The starting point (again) of what I would like to be a space I live in. I want to help and I feel between writing and speaking I can do that. I will work to perfect this craft however painfully slow it goes.
This time around it will be with a lot less pressure. Eventually I will build out a posting schedule, but for now I will stick to attempting in some small way to work on my writing daily. I will edit ruthlessly and work to make content I feel resonates deeply with those I am seeking. Maybe I will even define a core reader so I can better understand just who I am writing to but at the moment I will just work to help who I used to be as I am sure I am not the only person who has been there. It is going to take a much longer time horizon than I would hope but that is ok. Perspective is my magic wand and I am going to wave it furiously until I get to where I want to go.