Category: self improvement

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Someday is the stealer of dreams. Not in a way that is obvious, but hope unused leaves so many of us with this hole inside of us we can’t explain. Now someday is so different than unused potential. Most, if not all of us will leave something on the table when we bite the dust, it is inevitable. If you believe that the universe and our possibilities are limitless then you would also have to believe that your potential is infinite therefore you would have to be leaving something on the table at the end of it all. The only way we could completely use up all of our potential would be if that potential was finite, if it was a limited resource we had to be careful with and based on what we know and see every day from incredible humans that just isn’t the case. So it really isn’t unused potential we should be worried about but that of the wasted variety. The un-grasped opportunity that was perfectly befitting our skill level but we were just too scared, lazy or comfortable to try. Those are the stealers of dreams. Those are the errors we that haunt us into our long dirt nap.

Really the term someday should be a swear word. It shouldn’t be allowed in our vernacular at all. It has taken more dreams, visions and change for the good to the grave with it than cancer or any other disease we can think of. Someday puts us at ease, makes us feel like It could or will happen if we just wait, It is always just over the horizon. It feels so much like hope that we don’t notice it is different. Someday only becomes today if we work, someday only happens if we take the dream in our head and we start to take action towards what we think we want. Often though we see our dreams as unattainable. They are too big and we don’t understand how to start, they scare us, there is too much change or we have priorities. So many dreams have been undone with these excuses, compounded with just a little bit of someday. Waiting for the perfect time is going to leave you waiting forever, there is no perfect, it is an excuse just as scary as someday. Your dreams are only meant to inspire, but I am not sure if you are always meant to achieve them, they are there to serve a purpose, to motivate you to take action, not necessarily to be the thing we attain. Which hopefully is freeing, maybe that helps you get started and alleviates just a tiny bit of the anxiety achievement creates for so many of us.

It is too bad as we have developed tools to make communication easier we have forgotten to communicate with ourselves. To be in touch with who we are and our own confidence. You aren’t dreaming your dreams for anyone else but you! And guess what, no one else can achieve them but you either. So why worry about what others think of what you are doing, why care about the opinion of someone who probably is just jealous of your dream or isn’t willing to put the work in to actually accomplish theirs. When it boils right down to it there are only 32 starting QB’s in the NFL but an absolute endless supply of armchair quarterbacks telling them they made the wrong throw or call or whatever. I guess it just boils down to are you going to let someone not even in the arena never mind the game you want to play dictate whether or not you are going to play?

So fuck all of the naysayers, screw your someday procrastination and get to work. Take the risk, do anything today that moves you even a fraction of a step towards your dream and then do something that moves you another fraction the next day and then guess what even if it takes forever, isn’t it a lot more fun moving towards your dreams than waiting for them to come to you. Go be an active participant in your own rescue, in your own life. No more passive bullshit, you were not put here to be mediocre! Look at it like a movie and be the superhero that saves the day don’t just be the extra in the back ground.

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Nobody actually cares about authenticity. We might say we do and we may say that we are finding or being our authentic selves but does it actually fucking matter? Like have you ever met an asshole that described themselves as authentic and were just so grateful you crossed their path. And no one for damn sure wants to be in a relationship with the “authentic” jerk, in any way, shape or form because just like happiness I think people are barking up the wrong tree with authenticity.

We think it is something we care about or more importantly in our society that others care about but the only time that authenticity actually matters in our lives is when we are looking in the mirror. Are we being true to ourselves, to who we say we are going to be? From there the only thing that matters to anyone else in our lives is our actions. They can’t judge us on what we think of ourselves, how would they know and even if we told them, it is often only partially true. So it boils down to are we presenting ourselves truthfully to the world.

I used to ask myself what that looked like, I would look in the mirror or think quietly to myself “who am I?” I really had no idea, I was so lost because outwardly I was often living my life in a way that was built to keep others happy, to appease their judgements of me and to do what I thought would make people like me. But the worst mistake I think I was making was that my internal vision of who I wanted to be was not being outwardly expressed. I had suppressed myself to try to make others happy. I stopped striving to get better for myself and spent all of my time trying to have others like me and I just hated myself more and more as I did it. I spent so much time trying to live the way I thought others thought I should or in a way that I thought would impress other people and I had lost sight of who I wanted to be, of who I actually was inside.

Now I believe that we all have an aspirational image we hold onto internally of who we are and as we make choices that don’t align with this image we bifurcate the way we feel about ourselves. It may not be an issue every once in a while but I don’t think any of us had an aspirational image of being unhealthy, drinking beer, watching Netflix and bitching about our job. I know that much of the anxiety and depression I felt in my late 20’s and early 30’s could be traced back to short sighted, instant gratification decisions that did not align with who I aspired to be. You see I have always believed myself to be an athlete. It is just in my nature, I pick up sports quickly and find the most joy in being competitive and active. As I got older this became less of a priority. It is so easy to “find the time” to stay active when we are younger and have less responsibilities and I fell right into the middle aged dad-bod trap.

Now I am going to divert a little here as I feel this is important to say before I discuss my changes. Not everyone needs to be an athlete, not everyone needs to exercise every day like I have or attempt endurance feats or push themselves in the ways I have. They just need to align with their true self. With who they believe they are deep down inside. That is where I believe real joy and self-love comes from. It is wrought in the work it takes to become or improve on who we are and believe we are. These will ebb and flow but as long as we are consistently working on ourselves we will maintain an internal love and fire that will carry us through our darkest days.

So as I got older, drank more beer, watched instead of played sports and let anything fitness related I owned collect dust. So too did my image as an athlete. And as that collected dust my anxiety and depression spiked through the roof. I literally developed eczema on most of my body at one point as I was so stressed. I fully believe it had everything to do with how far out of alignment I was with who I believed I should be. Now here is where most people tell you the “found” themselves by repeating their affirmations every day and telling themselves they loved themselves over and over again and it all just got better. Well I don’t know, maybe that shit works for other people but every time I have tried, I just feel like a liar, it usually leaves me feeling worse as the person I am lying to is myself. So instead of trying to like who I was right now I went to work. I found a little luck in a book you may have heard of called Atomic Habits by James Clear. This book helped me deconstruct all the old shitty habits I had and helped me construct much more positive ones. I went all in on his word and started small. Like way smaller than you could ever imagine an ex-college athlete who did not seem to be in terrible shape would ever consider. I started with 5 push-ups and 5 sit ups a day. That was all I would allow myself to do for the first 2 weeks and then I added 1 push-up and 1 sit up a day after that until I could do 100 of each. The hardest part at the start was absolutely my pride. I knew I could do more but I also knew I had a track record of “going all-in” and then flaming out 2 weeks later when something came up or I hurt myself.

Almost instantly I felt more solid in who I was. I was more able to cope with day to day shit that came my way. My energy level increased and I was just much more content. Until I wasn’t. It didn’t take too long before I felt the anxiety creep back in. As I made gains physically I had this constant dread of slipping back into the way I used to be. I was so afraid of making a mistake that would crumble everything. I had been doing so much for my body to correct the physical image I saw in the mirror without realizing it was all for vanity and what I really needed was toughness but of the mental variety. Where I was struggling to perform was in adversity which is the true hallmark of a great athlete.

I struggled for a while feeling as though it was all so fragile and I was destined for failure. Then I failed. During the 4x4x48 I was unable to run many of the legs and was resigned to walking. I had trained, I was in phenomenal shape so this was a huge blow to my ego. But when you are sleep deprived, it’s cold and you are alone at 1am limping 4 miles you get some time to reflect. What did I learn? Well no one actually cares how you get it done and the mental benefits you reap from swallowing your pride and persevering are one of the greatest gifts you could ever receive. It is with that mindset shift that I have been able to counter act all of the fear I was feeling. I know it sounds too easy but it wasn’t, it was only simple. It took all of the work and fear to get there. I just hope that in my writing this maybe it doesn’t take someone as long as it took me to realize that I get to do all of the things I was doing for my physical health in the way I like doing them, I just have to adjust the lens with which I view the situation, changing my focus from vanity to mental strength. Really all I did was move my perspective to the internal benefits rather than the external rewards. I gave up on others noticing and went all in on intrinsic motivation. Completely selfishly it feels fucking fantastic accomplishing shit most people wouldn’t even attempt. I think that is one of the keys to unlocking true confidence and inner peace.

So as always don’t hesitate to reach out. I write this mostly for myself but if it resonates at all I would love to hear from you. I love helping others improve in any way. Thank you for reading and your feedback is truly appreciated!

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For a large part of my life I let my emotions guide me. I followed where they took me and for moments it was incredible. It was as high as high could be, but inevitably there were lows. The problem was those lows would be so much more intense and usually so much longer than the height of any high. And at some point that became too much to bare. Now I managed this typically with alcohol, not in the way that most people do, I didn’t binge, I didn’t get drunk every day but I drank and I drank every day. It was enough to take the edge off and I was heading in the wrong direction. But what I had really done, where I had really gone was to a place of constant numbness. I used frustration and edginess to protect myself from having to feel anything else as I was exhausted, burnt out and raw from the over stimulation of allowing my emotions make my decisions for me.

For a large chunk of my 20s this worked for me as my life was simpler, the lens I saw the world through was a little more rosy and I lived in a pretty positive environment. That environment was false and I was naïve. I live in a part of the world where oil dictates the economy and when oil tanked so did the hospitality industry and as more stress entered my neck of the woods I just went along with it. I was too young and had only really done the work on a surface level to try to be a better leader. I not done the deep work required to be an emotional being that still functioned with any consistency in the real world. I got jaded, I blamed, I spent most of my time trying to be right and point out why everyone else was wrong. I treated those I loved the worst. I am sure this sounds similar, I guarantee in some ways you can relate. I had all of the same signs that so many others did around me. Depression, anxiety, I ate like shit, drank too much, didn’t exercise and spent so much time talking about the past or the future. I never talked about the here and now. It was always better in the past or it would be in the future, if I could only get this to work or change. Funny thing is at almost the same time I would sabotage my positive future talk which was at least almost good. I would tell myself I didn’t deserve that, it would never happen to a guy like me and my personal favorites of your just a piece of shit that slowly destroys everything you touch or no one cares about you they only care about what you do for them. Those last two I personally loved and reserved for when I really felt like driving myself into the darkest places possible.

Now the verdicts still out. I can’t tell you if anyone cares about me personally or if they just care about what I do for them. That lens still slips over my eyes from time to time. But what I have learned is that the only way it is going to change is if I change. If I change my view of myself.

I am by no means an expert. I still have tough days. I still treat myself like shit and wallow in my own self pity on occasion. The thing I notice is that it isn’t as intense and I don’t wallow for as long. The biggest change for me. My emotions are now just guideposts. They are not the guide. I do not follow them. I use them to tell me when I am starting to head off course. I know this is such a subtle discrepancy and a lot of you may argue that it is really semantics and for sure it could be. But the way I view it in my head is what truly matters so let me try to explain.

I believe everything can serve a purpose in our lives. I didn’t always believe this or want to believe it but as you pay impartial attention it becomes undeniably true that the key to unlocking a great life is to utilize your emotions rather than them utilizing you. I am sure at this point in reading this you are like ok we fucking get it but how the hell do you do that? Aren’t emotions just our natural reaction to what happens to us externally? Yes. For sure they are but that doesn’t mean they need to be active participants in how YOU react externally. It was actually our good friend and Doula who imparted this thought while my wife was in labor. She simply told us that “almost nothing is an emergency and you have time to think”. I have carried this thought with me almost everywhere I go and it was this simple shift in thinking for me that helped me create more discipline in my life and unlock what I feel is trending towards real emotional freedom. Which is the freedom to feel the way I want to rather than the way the situations in my life may dictate. Now I am not professing any expertise. I’m just a guy on the path reaching for the next guidepost. I still get upset at the guy that cuts me off, I am no Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa. But those reactions are less and I can move them to productive action much quicker than I could before. I am an active participant in my emotional life versus just a guy in the boat heading down the emotional river waiting to see which rock would sink me next.

I really appreciate all of the support so far. Let me know in the comments what you think or if you have any questions. I would love to answer them. And if you are enjoying my content it would mean the world to me if you subscribed here and found me on the social media!

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In order to get anywhere in life we have to act. We have to put one foot in front of the other to walk down the street and we are ultimately incurring risk each time we act. So why is it that so many people have issues getting started at anything? And even when they do get started why does it peter out only a few months in? I have definitely been one of those people, and I am by no means cured of these issues but I have started to become aware enough of why and when it happens to me to share. Like most things in this blog I was so smart I got to learn the experiential way (ie. I fell flat on my face a whole bunch of times, failed miserably, wallowed for a bit and then decided finally to get up and do something myself about my situation) how to get over my own bullshit.

That is the real conversation here, it is not so much how to move to action, but how to wade through our brain full of muck trying to slow us down. What is it that brings us to decide we have to do something about a situation to then with all the fervor of a sloth sit back down on the couch and say we will start tomorrow, or Monday. I cannot think of a sentence that has killed more dreams in less time than “I will start (insert moment that never comes here)”.

For me one of the main reasons I struggled to start anything was the fear of rejection, of how others would perceive me because I knew inherently that I wouldn’t be good at said thing I was going to start. I am the best example here as I literally am typing a blog post for a blog that I paid for the domain over a year ago. So if you have listened to anything in the personal development realm, especially of the fiery get off your ass type that we all love so much when we are actually procrastinating what we should be doing, you have probably heard someone say in so many words “You need to take MASSIVE IMMEDIATE action”. Yes I capitalized those on purpose because that is usually the point where said motivational talking head starts yelling and may or may not spit a little they are so fired up. Now this sentence is something I believe in whole heartedly but is also the sentence that has caused me the most anxiety in my life.

I do not know of a more overwhelming thing to think of when you want to start with than massive and immediate. Like basically if you want to start a business it feels like you should quit your job, never mind quit just don’t show up tomorrow, take out a loan, hit the registries to start a corporation and announce to the world that your IPO will be in 3 months. Just writing that stressed me out. I am sure at this point you aren’t really feeling like I was honest when I said I whole heartedly agreed with the statement.

So let me explain to you how I finally internalized this after having it beaten into my brain by every book, podcast host and speaker I listened to. And this is where I think the industry as a whole does a disservice to people. They spend a lot of time spitting incredible audio bites, fiery quotes and awesome speeches but for the majority of them in some way shape or form they are working to sell you something as well. Whether it be courses, coaching or masterminds they all have an offer. Now don’t get me wrong I believe that most of these people truly care, want to make a difference and do. They just adjust their free content to push you to their paid content and they don’t always explain it as well as they could. That being said I can also appreciate that “take small, incremental steps everyday while forgetting about the outcome” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue or work for clickbait quite as well as massive immediate action.

Ok lets get off of my diatribe here and back onto hopefully why you are reading this. How the hell do I start and  stay in it long enough to reap the rewards. Well I did allude to it at the end of the last paragraph. It sounds a lot less sexy but this is how I have adjusted it in my tiny brain. I do what has worked for me which is to follow a model laid out in Atomic Habits by James Clear. You have to start smaller, much smaller than you actually realize. The massive part is getting over the hurdle of starting. We have all heard the phrase a journey of 1000 miles starts with just one step, what we don’t discuss is that not every step is of equal difficulty, usually the first one is next to impossible because you have no inertia. So create some inertia. If you want to be or do anything what is the smallest possible thing you could do right now to start said thing? Stop reading this and go do it. Go! Right fucking now! Want to be a runner, tie your shoes and just take one step out the door. That is all I interpret it as and honestly it is more than anyone who has ever talked about doing anything but never done anything about it has ever done, which makes it massive by association.

The part that I think doesn’t get discussed because it is even less sexy is the do it everyday part. I know there are people out there with great habits they do 3 times a week, but I guarantee if you talked with them for a few minutes they weren’t making the progress they would like or it is something they have done since they were children when habits are much easier to engrain. This is why I believe it has to be so much smaller than most peoples ego’s are willing to let them go, because you need to be able to do it every single day no matter what gets in the way. You have to be willing to play the long game, while abstracting yourself from the results and getting truly into the process. The process must become your results. Checking the box of being the type of person who does the shit you want to do is much more important than trying to get to your end game faster.